


landscape

by crywhenyouholdme



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Lowercase, Otabek Altin-centric, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 22:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14579172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crywhenyouholdme/pseuds/crywhenyouholdme
Summary: oh how pitiful the early morning is to the lazy and undeserving





	landscape

**Author's Note:**

> for reference: otabek is like.15, 16. i know this isn't very canon compliant, but we've all got baggage to work through! 
> 
> also, a disclaimer about the author: i don't want you touching my writing if you ship otayuri. that's it.

"yeah………. yeah….. yeah yeah yeah yeah…………… yeah….."

otabek repeats that to his vibrating phone.

he is not here. wherever here is is up for interpretation. but he's not there. not physically, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise.

otabek focuses on the dust floating in the bright sun through his blinds. it's mesmerizing enough for hours. so he's been lying there, staring vacantly at particles of his old self and the world he's made for himself. the time he's wasted could be important, and this might be a pressing concern in the near future, but he's not worried about that.

he is more worried about the caves in his lungs and valleys in his stomach. more concerned with if he remembered to take his meds or even if he remembered to get his refill. with when was his next appointment.

otabek so desperately wishes he remembered. his leg is itchy and it's the only thing grounding him to reality. a wave of old unease numbly hits him. the same-old 'this is a mistake, you've fooled yourself, this is too burdensome to matter.' it's rhetoric he's heard before, so otabek only blinks. it's nothing new in a bad day. 

lately, there's been more bad days than good. his mother always told he needed both kinds to live a long life, but this made him feel like a short but pleasurable life was worth it. like he should just quit the junior league and run back home and live in the fields. or maybe that was hormones acting up.

the valley in his stomach grows deeper. the caves in his lungs empty of water, though he didn't know he had any. it empties in the silence that he didn't know could be so full of judgement. he barely registers the weeping as it happens, only when the strong taste of salt touches his lips does he shift. 

he thinks he's hungry or bored, though there's no difference these days. ugh, he couldn't eat, imagine how much that would accentuate his hips. horrendous. ridiculous. tragic. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid as in showers that kill time like summers kill the ability to wear anything. the weather is mindlessly cruel like that. 

otabek thinks many things are cruel, but he doesn't know if that's cruel of him. he's been trying to be a good person recently, through dsyphoria and work and general disillusion. he's been trying to consider others' emotions more frequently and try to not only think of himself. otabek doesn't know if it's working.

why couldn't the world be kinder? why did everything from living to dying cost money thats no one has? is he a bad person for thinking that? is it better just never to speak to anyone ever again? his therapist told him that's a lot to think about with his "young and developing" brain. he almost told her she's full of it and to do multiple impolite things with her advice, but he bit his tongue.

she's too much of a nice person to deserve a patient to spit madly at her.

maybe that's a sign of him getting better at being with people. he thinks it's a sign of getting better at pretending he's not an awful person. 

his phone stops vibrating.

**Author's Note:**

> i won't always do such short works jfjcjc. i do have a longer piece i'm working through. do not worry.
> 
> pardon my lowercase, even in writing. in my defense, artistic liberty.


End file.
